Pro Ana
by robotsandblankets
Summary: Riley likes her small frame. She likes being picked up like a feather. But suddenly she's not a feather, she's a rock. She accidently clicks on the forum. She sees these crying butterflies of girls screaming, yelling, about their weight and numbers. She's been pulled into the ocean. She's not sure she knows how to swim. She'll drowned for a while.
1. Chapter 1

My parents do not notice when I put half of the sandwich given to me in a bag under my shirt. My father turns his head back to me, taking a bite from _his _sandwich, and smiles at me. I smile back and take bite out of the half of the sandwich that is left.

The turkey and white bread taste so good, that I'm thinking about eating this half and the other half.

No, I absolutely hate this tasty tasty tasty AWFUIL turkey sandwich.

I choke back the rest of the sandwich. Quickly I grab my glass of water and chug it. I stand up from the table.

"I'm going to my room to read." I say and then I leave.

I glance at the clock near the oven. It reads 12:34, on a Tuesday. School let out last week. So I don't need to be at school and it's wonderful.

I walk to the bathroom. I rip the sandwich into four or six pieces, and let them fall to the toilet. I push the flush and watch it all go down. I pretend to wash my hands in case my mom was listening or something. I walk to my room and sit on my bed.

My stomach rumbles because it is still hungry. I grab my laptop and log into the whispersecret website. I scroll through endless pictures of collar bones, hip bones, and rib bones. These fill my stomach and the stomach rumbles have vanished.

I smile to myself for a second. I'm getting better at this.

* * *

I twist my head around to look at the mirror.

I am in the bathroom. I'm standing in my underwear and bra. My reflection from the mirror tells me that the fat around my shoulder blades, and the fat on my ribs in the back, are fading away.

I smile again. I am making progress, this is actually happening.

When I first found the website, I never thought I'd get this far. I honestly thought I'd do this for about a week or two. Nothing to change anything too much. But it's four weeks from the first day and I'm still going strong.

It's actually rather hard to hide this from my parents. Since they, of course, are always in my business. Why does it matter to them anyway?

After the first week I had lost around five pounds already, my mother notice at once. She asked me what was going on and I shrugged. I told her I didn't know what she was talking about and that she was crazy.

I now know to wear baggy enough clothes so no one can see.

It's a wonder Maya hasn't noticed yet, since of course best friends are supposed to notice everything. Right? They are kind of like the mother we actually listen to.

I turn away from the mirror. The mirror doesn't really matter, honestly. It's the numbers.

The numbers are what settle me down. Seeing the numbers go down helps me go down. I don't know what I'm going down towards, but I know it's a better place. It's better than here.

I pull out the super-secret weight scale. I put it on the ground. I mentally prepare myself for the number. When I'm ready I quickly tap the scale. The screen comes on with the numbers 00.0.

I step on to the scale.

I look up and try to think of something else while the machine calculates me.

I look back down.

104.3

Half a pound lighter than yesterday, this is wonderful! I smile again. I step off the scale and hide it. I quickly put back on the pajamas I had stepped out of earlier.

I pretend flush the toilet and wash my hands.

I exit the bathroom and go to my bedroom. My bedroom where I will spend until dinner, where I am forced to eat.

Food is stupid. Hunger is beautiful.

* * *

When I daydream, I usually think about the future. My future.

The daydreams are filled with stupid love stories about myself and my long string of lovers. I know that's silly. Some daydreams are about what kind of career I will have. Sometimes I am a medical examiner, then I am a physiatrist, and then I am a famous singer.

Most daydreams are of me reaching my goal. I will imagine myself stepping on to the scale and looking down and seeing the magical number. I can see myself floating away, drifting away. I see myself finally becoming who I am meant to be.

* * *

Maya does not notice when I get just a half order of salad with a side of dressing. She does not say anything when I eat only the hard pieces of bread. She does not say or notice when I pick the tiny carrot slices out and dip them slightly in the dressing. She does not notice that I throw away everything else.

I notice that Maya eats her food. I notice she eats the burger she ordered. I notice she eats the French fries that came with them. I notice she dips the French fries in ketchup.

I notice me struggling to keep my hand back from grabbing one.

Maya does not notice.

Maybe no one truly notices me. No one noticed when I dropped from 115 pounds to 105 in a short time. Maybe they did and they didn't _care_ enough to say anything.

I'm not one that someone will simply care for apparently.

* * *

Thanks for reading! My first Girl Meets World fanfiction!

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Please, please, PLEASE review! I need to hear from you guys.

Tell me if I did good or not.

Again thanks for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Lucas looks across the food court table at me. He smiles and I think his eyes may have sparkled.

"What do you think, Riley?" He asks me.

I look down at the food in front of me. Chicken nuggets, chili cheese fries, and honey mustard to dip the nuggets in, altogether too many calories for me. I look back at Lucas.

"I liked the movie but the ending was kind of predictable. Don't you think?" I ask while I cut my nugget in half and dip it in the sauce.

Farkle begins nodding enthusiastically. "Yes, I agree." He continues on with telling us the holes in the movie's plot.

Farkle is eating a burrito. Not just a regular burrito, a huge burrito. So instead of picking it up and eating it, he is eating it with a fork. He doesn't have a side but the burrito is going to fill him up. I think he might puke later.

Lucas is eating sliders. He ordered three chicken sliders and he ordered two regular beef sliders. He has an order of fries. He doesn't eat them with ketchup.

Maya is eating a piece of pizza. She is dipping the pizza in ranch dressing.

We all have Coke as a beverage.

The nugget I cut up has found its way into my stomach. I already feel sick. And I don't want to eat. But they will notice and ask me questions. They will tell Dad because they can't keep secrets like normal humans.

I don't want the food.

I need the food because I need energy and I need energy to walk.

**I can walk fine. I don't need this food. I can go on for days.**

My body has been feeling weird lately. It feels like there is a bomb in my stomach. But that's impossible because I don't put things in my mouth anymore. I've also been arguing with myself. But it's also not myself. There's someone else. I don't know who she is yet, but she's there. I can feel her.

"Riley, hello," Maya is waving her hand in my face. Lucas is staring at me with concern and Farkle is too. "Earth to Riley. Please speak to us humans."

I blink. I can feel myself blush from embarrassment. I smile. "I'm sorry. I was completely lost in thought. What happened?"

"Farkle asked you a question." Lucas says. My sentence didn't seem to calm him.

I turn my attention to Farkle. "Yes,"

Turns out the question wasn't important. He was just going to ask about my other thoughts on the film. You know normal friend-talk. But I have forgotten normal friend-talk. I am not accustom to it anymore.

* * *

"Riley, are you okay?" Maya asks me.

We are in my bedroom. We just got back from our outing with Lucas and Farkle.

Maya is looking in the bag she brought. She is staying about a week with us. Her mother is going to somewhere; I wasn't paying attention when Maya told me, to see family members. Maya was going to go but she realized she hated her family and she'd rather be with me.

I know I should be excited but I need to be alone. I need to be alone with the girl inside my mind. It's rather odd she hasn't introduced herself to me yet. Apparently she's going to live with me for a while. We should know each other's names. Right?

"Yeah, I'm good." I say dropping my purse on my desk near the door. "Why?"

Maya shrugs. "You've been acting weird all day, like you are out of your body or something."

I force out a laugh. "You're crazy, Maya."

She looks up and smiles at me. "Maybe,"

I grab a pair of pajama pants, a regular plain tshirt, and clean underwear. "I'm going to take shower. You can after me. Okay?"

Maya nods. "Good. I'll give me enough time to actually find what I'm looking for."

I exit my room and cross the hall to the bathroom.

* * *

My shower took probably fifteen minutes at the most. I get out and dry myself. I put on my under clothes and weigh myself again.

105.5

No, no! I gained weight. I shouldn't have eaten five chicken nuggets and all of the chili cheese fries. This is completely awful. And now I'm going to have to eat even more food with Maya. This is so awful I want to scream but instead I just stare at the mirror while I scream and kick and crying inside my head.

I put the scale back. I quickly dress. I grab a brush and walk out of the bathroom.

I walk into my room. Maya looks up from her phone that my father gave her. She sees me and grabs the clothes beside her. She passes me and goes to the bathroom.

I sit in front of my mirror and begin to brush my hair. A lot of it falls out but I'm used to it. I thought I'd be hard to hide the fact that my hair is falling out from my family. I just put my hair back in a ponytail and fluff it up. It looks fuller.

* * *

Maya and I are sitting on my couch. It's around two in the morning. Normally if one of my parents found us like this they'd yell and tells us to go to sleep. But since it's summer all of those rules do not exist.

There is a bowl of popcorn between us. One the table there is a bag of twislers, a plate of chocolate chip cookies, and soda drinks.

My hand has been in the popcorn bowl for the past five minutes. I have no idea what we are watching. My mind is too caught up on all the food. It's not like I want it. I'm just scared of what Maya will say if I don't anything. She might not say anything, she might just think, and keep it inside her head. But that would probably bubble up and she'd ask out loud, instead of just inside her head where she will not get an answer.

I grab a cookie and bite into it. Sure, it tastes good but I don't need it nor do I want it. I force the rest of the cookie down my throat.

* * *

It's four in the morning and I'm in the bathroom. I'm pacing the room, back and forth. My hands are in my hair and I think I might cry. Never mind, I am crying.

Maya is asleep so she won't hear me.

I ate too much. TOO MUCH. I ate three cookies, six handfuls of popcorn, and ate at least ten twislers. I drank four cups of Dr. Pepper. This is disgusting. I can feel all the food in my stomach and it's sickening.

I look at the mirror. My face is red and my eyes are too. My face is also wet. What should I do?

"_Vomit,_" A voice says. It's the girl in my mind.

"What?" I ask aloud.

"_Stick your finger in your mouth, far down your throat._" She says. "_The food will come up and you'll feel better._"

"Won't it hurt?"

She nods. I don't see it but I know she does. "_Yes. But you see, darling, beauty is pain._"

I nod. I make sure all of my hair is in the ponytail. I roll up my sleeves too.

I put the seat of the toilet up and get on my knees.

"_Stand up, more will come out._" The girl says.

I take the advice and stand up. I take a deep breath. I'm too scared, I'm too scared. I don't care!

I put my finger in my mouth and when nothing happens I push it farther. I put my middle finger in there too. Soon everything comes up.

I push my finger in my mouth once more, a little comes up. I put it in there a third time. This time nothing appears. I guess I finished.

"It worked." I say.

The girl smiles, "_I told you._"

"Thanks. What's your name?"

"_Ana,_" She says.

"I'm Riley." I tell her.

"_Well Riley, we are going to become best friends._"

* * *

**Chapter Two!**

**Thanks for reading, guys! Please review, follow and/or favorite. **

**I love reviews so please, please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

It's been three days since I met Ana officially. She has made things surprisingly easy. She gives me tips and tells me I'm disgusting when I think about eating more food.

I don't think Maya really notices anything. She didn't notice when I push half of my macaroni and cheese into my napkin. She also didn't notice when I slid some of my sliced pork chops onto her plate. She ate it and didn't notice.

How did she not notice? Doesn't she have her own Ana in her head? Doesn't her Ana tell her she shouldn't eat this and tell her to drink water instead? Doesn't her Ana tell her to step on the scale every night? Doesn't Ana tell her the number is important?

* * *

"_You need to be a feather! Feathers are beautiful. Right now, you are a rock. Rocks aren't beautiful. Rocks get stepped on._" Ana tells me when I think about taking a fifth spoonful from the eatable cookie dough Maya and I made.

I watch closely as Maya takes her seventh spoonful.

Maybe her Ana doesn't care like my Ana does.

I speak to Ana in my head.

_Can I just have a couple more spoonfulls of cookie dough? _I ask her.

"_Weigh yourself and I'll decide._" She answers.

I get up and walk to the bathroom.

"Where are you going?" Maya asks me.

"Bathroom, weirdo."

* * *

I'm down to 102.3

Ana says I can have ten more spoonfulls of cookie dough. But I have to skip breakfast and lunch.

Breakfast would be easy. Skipping lunch, I'm not sure. But I agree and happily go back to the living room with Maya.

* * *

"Do you still like-like Lucas?" Maya asks me.

The question startled me.

We are sitting on the roof of my building. Maya and I found this place one night when we were too hyper on sugar when we were around ten. We've been coming up here since. I'm pretty sure we aren't supposed to be up here, but it's a cool place to hang out. It's our place.

"What made you think of that?" I ask her.

She shrugs and lies back on the blanket. Up here, somewhere, we have a secret stash of blankets and pillows. We've spent the night up here before. My parents haven't found out about it yet. I repeat her action and lie down. We stare up at the sky. It's blue with a few clouds visible.

"I don't know." She says. "But do you?"

I actually think about the question. It's important one and I shouldn't have to really think about it. Should I? I should just automatically know if I like-like Lucas.

"I don't know if I do."

She rises up and looks back at me like I'm crazy. "What do you mean you don't know if you do?"

I shrug. "That's just it. I don't know if I like him like that anymore."

She nods. "Oh,"

"A lot of things have been changing recently, Maya. Like changes in my mind and how I feel."

She nods looking at me with concern. "Changing, cool."

I don't say anything. I continue looking at the sky.

"Are you going to tell me about these changes?"

I think about it. I think about telling Maya about Ana and how she is helping me become a better version of myself. I think about telling Maya about her Ana and how her Ana isn't helping her. I want to tell her that after we get her Ana fixed she can be like me. She can become perfect. But I know Maya wouldn't want to be like me. Nobody would really want to be like me. Also if we fixed Maya's Ana like my Ana maybe it wouldn't work for her.

"Riley," Maya's voice is panicked.

I rise up quickly. "What?"

"It's raining." She's standing up and trying to get the blankets.

I stand up and grab them too. We hide them so they won't get wet.

We quickly, but slow enough not to slip and fall to our deaths, run down the fire exit. We enter my room. Our clothes are soaked enough for us to change clothes.

Maya grabs clean pajamas. She strips down and starts putting them on.

Before Ana and I became friends I would do the same. But Ana told me no one should see my body until it is perfect. So I grab dry pajamas and walk to the bathroom. I tell Maya I have to use the bathroom anyway. She says okay and that she'll be in the living room or kitchen.

* * *

I lean in closer to the mirror in bathroom. My eyes have dark circles underneath them. I'm sure it's because of Maya and me staying up late. It's not because of the lack of food in my system.

I lean away. It's time to inspect my body. I take my clothing off. I stand in front of the mirror.

Suddenly I want to scream. Everything looks the same! Nothing has changed since last time! Why isn't this working!?

"_This takes time._" Ana tells me. She puts the toilet lid down and sits on it.

"That's stupid. I want to look perfect now." I tell her. "Why does it have to take time?"

"Riley?"

Oh, no. Maya heard me.

"Uh, yeah?"

"Who are you talking to?" She asks.

"I didn't say anything." I put in a laugh. "You're silly."

"Whatever," I hear her walk away.

"_Stupid!_" Ana yells at me. She stands up and walks to me, pointing her boney, boney finger at me. "_You know better than to speak to me out loud. And for speaking to me like that anyway! I am helping you! No one else cares about you and your problems. I am trying to be your friend!_"

_I'm sorry._ I tell her in my head.

"_Better._" She says crossing her arms. "_Go out there. You're taking too much time in here_."

I nod and put on the other pajamas. I exit the bathroom.

I want to cry and cry. Ana has never spoken to me like that. I'm not used to it.

"Riley, are you okay?" Maya asks when I enter the kitchen.

I nod and plaster a smile on my face. "I'm good."

Maya smiles back at me. "Good," She says.

She turns to the fridge and opens it. "Now what do you want for lunch?"

"I'm not hungry." I tell her.

"Really?" She asks me. "You weren't even up in time for breakfast."

I shrug even though she can't see me. "I don't know. I'm just not."

"Well okay," She says. She reaches in the fridge and grabs something. "Well I'm hungry. Suit yourself."

"_At least you follow my rules._" Ana whispers in my ear.

I shiver and sit on the couch.

My stomach growls.

* * *

**Chapter Three! Thanks for reading, you beautiful people!**

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	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Maya is gone. But I'm seeing her later today again. I'm seeing her, Lucas, and Farkle. We are going to the mall. We are supposed to do some shopping. Then we are supposed to meet the boys at the food court to eat.

I'm scared to try on clothes though. I'm scared that I'm going to look too awful in the mirror. And that Ana is going to yell at me. She's going to yell at me for not fitting into my jeans and shorts and shirts and tank tops. She'll probably even yell at me for my fat feet when I try on shoes.

My phone vibrates. I pick it up and look at the screen. It's a text from Farkle. He tells me that him and Lucas are about to leave.

I quickly text Maya and tell her to meet me at our favorite store in twenty minutes. She responds saying she will.

I put my phone down and look at my closet. What do wear?

After a few minutes of just staring at my closet, I finally grab clothes.

I decide on a purple shirt, which is loose around the stomach, and skinny jeans. I pretend to not notice that they are bagging around my thighs. But in the back of my mind I am squealing. I'm close! I grab my purse and head out the door.

I tell my dad where I'm going. He says okay and to be safe. I say I always am. I leave.

* * *

When I enter the store Maya is already looking through the clothes. I run up to her, quietly as I can. I grab her by the waist and quickly tickle her. She screams and turns around.

She smiles at me and laughs. "That's a great way to get yourself killed, Matthews." She tells me.

I laugh back and smile. "I know. I'm just reckless like that."

"Whatever," Maya rolls her eyes. "What took you so long?" She asks.

I scrunch up my eyebrows. "What do you mean?" I look down at my phone's time. Oh, I took thirty minutes instead of twenty. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize. I was doing stuff around the house."

Maya shrugs. "No big deal. Now let's get to shopping!" She says excitedly.

* * *

After two hours of going to seemingly a string of endless stores, we finally meet up with the boys. Maya and I decided to look in the movie/TV show store to see if we could find the latest season of our favorite show. Apparently Lucas and Farkle were doing the same.

"Hello, ladies." Farkle says to us. Then he directions his attention back to looking for TV show DVD.

Maya looks up at Lucas and gives him a devilish smile. "Hey cowboy,"

Lucas looks down at Maya and smiles at her with a friendly expression. "Hey shorty,"

Maya's smile turns into a scowl. "Well that was just rude, cowboy."

She walks away to Farkle and helps him look for his DVD.

Lucas walks to me. His smile becomes seemingly more loving. For a second I'm confused but I let it slip from my brain.

"Hey," He says.

I smile to him. "Hey," I say back. "What did you guys go buy?" I ask pointing towards the bags that were in his hands.

He looks down at the bags and looks back at me. "Oh you know," He says. "Stuff for our beach trip, like shorts, shirts, swimming trunks."

I nod. "I got stuff too. I think it's really cool that your parents are taking you and Farkle to the beach my parents are taking Maya and me. We can totally hang out."

Lucas nods. "It'll be like we never left New York."

I laugh. "Yes, except we'll have the beautiful beach and ocean to look at and not lights of buildings and cars."

He laughs too. "Yeah,"

"Riley," Maya calls me.

I turn around waaay too quickly. I stumble backwards a bit and drop the bags in my left hand. My hand goes to my forehead. A massive headache pushing through my brain.

A hand grabs my arm so I don't fall to the ground. I'm too dizzy.

"Riley, are you okay? Do you need to sit down?" Lucas asks me. His bags are on the ground. He must have dropped them.

"Uh yeah," I say. My brain won't let me work. I can't think of a lie believable enough to say that I'm okay.

Lucas pulls me to a bench that's in the store. I sit down. I put the bags in my right hand on the ground. I lean over and put my head in my hands. Maya, with the other bags, and Farkle, with his Lucas's bags, walk over.

"Is she okay?" Farkle asks.

Lucas is bending in front of me, his hand grabbing mine. He looks back at Farkle. "I don't know." He looks at me. "Riley, can you look at me?"

I pick my head up. Oh God, the headache is killing me. I force myself to look okay.

I look at him. My eyes slipping into his blue eyed oceans, I don't think I'm over him anymore.

He smiles at me. "That's good. Now, are you okay?"

I nod and smile. I'm pretty sure it looked weak. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just got dizzy." I force myself to stand up. I try not to wobble. "Let's go eat, guys. I'm starving." When I say this, it's the truth.

Lucas stands up and looks at me with a questioning eye. "Yeah, let's go."

Lucas and Farkle go in front of us. Apparently Farkle didn't find his DVD. Maya and I follow behind them.

"So what was that all about?" Maya asks me. She kind of whispers it, so the conversation is just between us two.

I shrug. "I turned around too quickly and got dizzy that's all." I look at her.

She looks at me intensely with her blue eyes. She breaks the eye contact and looks ahead of us. "I'll this one pass, Matthews."

I take a breath of relief.

* * *

In the food court, with Maya, Lucas, and Farkle, for the first time in weeks I eat like a normal human. I eat a full meal. It hurt my tummy because it wasn't used to this kind of fullness. But my headache went away. But then also my thoughts seemed clouded almost. My brain was foggy.

In the bathroom stall in the mall's food court bathrooms, I ask Ana if it was okay to eat a full meal. Standing with me in the stall, she nods. She tells me it'd be a good idea to eat a full meal four times a week. It would help keep me from falling down and failing.

I'm just happy I can actually eat full meals.

I ordered two small burritos, chili cheese tots, and a diet Coke. I didn't pay attention this time to what the others were eating. I was too distracted by my food to even care about theirs.

* * *

I was sitting in my room on my laptop. I was scrolling through the feed of the whisper-secret, magic website.

Suddenly the computer dings. I look up at the top where my notifications should be. A red one pops up next to the envelope. Someone sent me a message! Quickly I click on the icon.

The message was sent from a person using the username, legslikesticks. The message said:

"Hi! I'm Carly. I really like all the inspirational photos you post. And I love your album where you post updated pics of yourself as you go through your journey. It is absolutely inspiring me!

Anyway, I wanted to ask you a question. Would you like to be my Ana Buddy? I need someone to help me and it seems like you know what you're doing. It would be wonderful if you did.

If you do want to, please contact me by my cell phone number."

Carly continued to put her phone number at the bottom of the message.

Wow, this is crazy! She wants _me _to help _her_. I wonder how old she is. She's probably my age. I think I put my age on my bio. I decide to text her.

"Hi, Carly. This is Riley, also known as fixingmyflaws. I would LOVE to become your Ana Buddy. I think it'd do us both wonders!"

I sent to text message. My heart beats fast. This is crazy, I've done this before.

I lay my phone down on my bed side table. She probably won't answer so quickly. I decide to take a shower.

So I grab my needed things and go to the bathroom.

* * *

After getting out of the shower, I weighed myself and brushed my hair.

I enter my room. I look over at my phone. The LED light on it was blinking green. I got a message!

I run over and quickly grab the phone. I type in my password and click on the message icon.

The message said:

"Hey. Oh and btw I love your name. This is awesome! We could totally help each other on our way to perfection! Okay so should we exchange stats?"

My message back:

"Yeah, I'll go ahead first. Current Weight: 103.5 Goal Weight: 95 or 90."

She quickly responds:

"Wow! CW: 110.7 GW: 90. This will be good. Can I ask you a weird question?"

My response:

"Sure. You can ask anything."

Her question:

"Do you have your own Ana too? In your head?"

Me:

"Yes."

* * *

**Thanks so much for reading! **

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	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

"I don't understand." I say to Ana.

"_What do you not understand?_" She asks me.

We're in my room. I'm sitting on my bed with four blankets on me. She's sitting on my dressing, polishing her fingernails.

"Why am I cold? I'm always cold. It's constant. It's like my skin is frozen." I say burying myself in the pile of blankets.

"_That's just something that happens. You have to get used to it. Your body will get used to it and warm up._" She says shrugging.

I nod. "Good. I hope that comes fast."

"_How much do you weigh?_" She asks.

"I'm back at 103."

She looks at me confused and angry. "_How?!_"

I shrug. "I don't know."

Ana rolls her eyes.

My phone vibrates. I pick up and look at it. Carly texted me.

Carly: "Oh no, Riley! I binged. I ate everything in the house. Well not really but it was pretty close! I ate cookies, cheesy bread, and drank so much Coke. And it wasn't even diet!"

I gasp at the text message.

"_What?_" Ana asks.

"Carly binged."

Ana laughs throwing her head back. She puts it back right up. "See I told you. She's not as strong as you are."

I roll my eyes at Ana's comment.

Me: "Have you tried vomiting yet?"

Carly: "No. I've never done that before. Does it hurt?"

Me: "Yeah, it hurts. But it helps so much. You'll feel so much better afterwards. Hasn't Ana told you that before?"

Carly: "She has but I'm scared."

Me: "You'll do fine."

She doesn't reply.

I stand up and grab my bag full of clothes from the mall trip two days ago. I walk to the bathroom. Ana follows me.

* * *

In the bathroom I look through the bags and find the three bathing suits I had bought. One is a dark blue bikini. The second is a gray and pink striped one piece, that's my favorite. The third is a yellow and a brighter blue two piece, it came with swim shorts. I put my hair in a ponytail.

I put the third bathing suit on first. I look in the full body mirror. I turn side to side, trying to look at myself from all angles. I take two pictures, one from the front and one from the back.

I put the second one one. I do the same. I take two pictures.

I put the first bathing suit one. I repeat, taking two pictures. Ana tells me I look awful in this one. She's right.

I put on my pajamas and walk back to my bedroom.

I plug my phone into my laptop. I put the pictures I took on it.

I look at each photo. Zooming in, paying attention to everything, seeing how awful my body looks in all of them.

Ana points to my thighs in a picture. "_Your thighs look as big as Asia._"

I don't respond. I just want to cry. But I have to post these pictures.

I post the pictures with the caption. "The numbers mean something, sure. It can tell me that I am 90 pounds and no ounces. But the reflection from the mirror tells me something different."

"_Stupid_," Ana says walking away from me.

I post it anyway.

I log out of the website and put my computer on the bed. I curl up in the blankets. My stomach growls.

I bury my face in the pillows. It growls again. This is killing me.

I want to eat. I want to eat. I want to eat. I want to eat. But no, no, no, NO. I can't eat I'm not supposed to.

"Riley, come and eat lunch!" My mom yells.

I don't move. I can't move. If I move from my warm fortress, I'll die.

After about ten minutes she enters my room. I pretend I'm asleep, which is surprisingly easy. She doesn't try to wake me up.

"Oh, she's asleep. Great." She says to herself.

"_Topanga, she's not asleep. She's starving herself. Don't you see? How ignorant are you?_" Ana yells.

I'm glad no one else can hear her.

* * *

I move myself and my bundle of blankets from my room to the living room. The living room is populated with Mom, Dad, and Auggie minus Ana. She doesn't come around offend when they are around me.

We are watching a movie together as a family. I don't want to watch a movie though. I want to eat food. I want to eat chicken. I want to eat mashed potatoes. I wanted to drink orange juice.

But I can't. I can't. Too many calories. That's what Ana says. Sometimes she makes me so angry I want to pull out every single perfect hair of hers. But I don't because if I did that she'd leave and I'd fail. I don't want to fail.

"_If you're that pathetic, you can eat soup. Just water it down." _Ana whispers to me.

I jump because I didn't know she was that close. That's actually a good idea. I stand up and walk into the kitchen.

"Mom, do we have any kind of soup?" I ask.

"Yes. There is canned tomato soup and chicken soup in one of the cupboards." She replies without looking over at me.

* * *

Lucas, Farkle, and Maya are over tonight. We're having movie night. I hate it because they are mocking me with food.

My living room table is full of food. There are two kinds of pizza, one is vegetarian and one is meat lovers. There is Diet Coke. There are two containers full of sugar cookies with icing. With the feeling in my stomach I could eat all of the cookies and half of a pizza.

I watch as Lucas takes a piece of pizza, meat lovers, and brings it to his mouth. He takes a bite. I watch as he chews. He notices me staring.

After swallowing he smiles at me. "Whatcha doing, little weirdo?"

I shake my head. Try to think clear thoughts. I turn my head back to the TV. "Nothing,"

"Riley, take a piece of pizza. You haven't eaten anything since breakfast." Maya says. She had come really early this morning. She wanted to mentally prepare me for a night with Lucas. That's sweet and all but she didn't need to say that!

"_They are noticing. You're going to need to do a better job._" Ana says, as she skipped around the living room.

"You haven't eaten since breakfast?" Farkle asks me.

Oh nice one, Maya. Now I'm going to get interrogated. This is so freakin' _awesome_!

"You do know what that can do to your body. Right?" Lucas says.

I want to roll my eyes dramatically and punch Maya in the face. But I don't. I just sit and stare at the TV.

"Wait," He says. "Is that why you almost passed out in the mall?"

Great, great, great, great! Maya way to go!

I throw daggers at Maya. She looks back at me. Her expression shows that she is confused and worried. But I don't care. Why can't she just stay in her own stupid bubble? This is my bubble. And my bubble is only big enough for me and Ana. Me and Ana. Me and Ana. Only me and Ana.

I lean up grab a piece of pizza. I take bite. I chew and I swallow. "I'm eating. See?"

I look around at them. They all have the same stupid expression.

I take another bite. Chew and swallow. I look at Maya.

"Happy?"

"_Oh, we're getting sassy._" Ana says all singy-songy. She skips out of the room.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

I'm standing in my bathroom. I look at my stupid thighs. Stupid, stupid, stupid and fat, fat, fat. I pinch them until I can't stand the pain. There's going to be a bruise there.

"_Pinching?" _Ana asks me. She is standing behind me in the mirror. She looks beautiful today. Her hair perfectly straight and her eyes look bright.

I look at my eyes, not so bright. They are rather dull.

_What's wrong with pinching?_" I ask her.

She shrugs. "_I didn't say anything __was__wrong with it._"

I ignore her. I put my clothes on and walk to the kitchen.

Mom was setting the table up for dinner. She grabs some plates and sets them down around the table.

"What do you think about me becoming a vegetarian?" I ask her.

Mom stands up straighter and looks at me with curiosity. "I would think about how you are getting some good food in you. Why?"

I shrug. "I was thinking of becoming one."

Mom nods. "That's a very hard thing to do, Riley. Especially if you just suddenly quit it, you know what I mean?"

"I understand. But I want to do it, to eat healthier. I believe I could do it."

Mom smiles at me, "Well if you think you could do it, then I do too."

I smile back at her. It feels like an actual smile and I believe I might be happy. "Thanks, mom."

She nods. "So you aren't going to be eating meatloaf tonight?"

I shake my head. "No meatloaf for this girl. From now on veggies and fruit!"

"Well I guess I'll quickly make something more filling for you."

"Cool."

"So are Maya, Lucas, and Farkle still coming for dinner?"

The bell rings and Farkle's voice is heard over the intercom.

"Farkle is here."

"So is Lucas."

"'Sup," Maya says. Her voice sounding bored.

I walk over and buzz them in. "Come up, guys."

They enter the apartment. We sit on the couch for a while. We were waiting for Mom to finish dinner and also for my dad and Auggie to get here.

While Farkle was explaining the plot to a crazy book he was reading, I hear my phone ding from my room. I stand up.

"I'll be right back." I say.

I jog into my room quickly. I find my phone on my bed. I pick it up, type in the passcode. The ding happened because I got a text message from Carly.

Carly: "Did you tell your mom about the vegetarian thing?"

Me: "Yes! I did! She was totally supportive. It was great."

Carly: "Yay! This is awesome. We'll cut back on so many calories from this!"

"Hey Riley,"

I turn around. Maya was standing in my doorway. The expression on her face told me that she wanted to speak to me.

"What, Maya?" I ask. I look down at my phone.

Me: "I'll talk to you after dinner. I'll tell you how it went."

Carly: "Okay. I'll do the same."

I put my phone on my nightstand. I look back at Maya. She was still standing in the doorway.

"Are you just going to stand there or say something?" I ask her. I wasn't trying to mean or anything. I was just curious.

Maya smiles, "That sounds like something I would say."

I shrug and sit on the bed. I pat the place next to me. "You look like you need to say something."

Maya walks over and sits down. She doesn't relax immediately that really puts me in alarm mode.

"Riley, can I ask you something? And when you answer me, be truthful?" She asks.

I nod. "Of course, Maya."

She nods. She looks me in the eyes. "Are you starving yourself?"

"_Look, Riley! She's finding out. See this just shows how much you suck at hiding things._" Ana laughs a bit.

"What makes you think that?" I ask her.

"At the mall, when you almost passed out." She begins. "Also when I was at your house for that week, you didn't really eat. Mostly you just picked at your food. You didn't eat anything last time we hung out with the guys. You didn't eat until I brought it up."

I don't say anything. I just continue to look at her. Why can't she just stay out of my business? It's not her business. It's mine. That's why it's called Riley's business.

"Riley, is it true? Because you don't need to lose weight. You're already so tiny."

She's trying to warp my brain. She's trying to make me not think clear. She's wants me to fail.

I shake my head. "I'm not starving myself. I'm not trying to lose weight. I've just been nervous about going into high school next year. You know? Lately, that's all I've been thinking about. I guess I've been so caught up with that in my brain, I haven't noticed my eating habits."

Maya looks at me for a second. "Really?"

I smile and nod. "Really. Also if I was going to do something like that, Mom would find out instantly. Don't you think?"

Maya smiles back and nods. "Yeah, I guess she would." She grabs my hand. "I just don't want you to hurt yourself or anything."

I know she cares and it's sweet. But I don't need sweets now. Sweet are bad.

"I know."

Maya stands up. "Well let's go eat now. Are we still going to that movie tonight after dinner?"

I stand up too. "Yeah, I was still planning on it. Are Farkle and Lucas going?"

Maya shakes her head. "Nope, and that means we can watch a girly movie."

I clap my hands. "Yay!"

"Girls! Food!" Mom yells for us.

Maya walks out of the room. I follow after her. But Ana stops me.

"_Good lie, girl._"

I smile at her. "Thank you."

* * *

At dinner when I told everyone that I was trying to become a vegetarian, I could see Maya begin to act different. She looked at me with concern. Dad smiled at me and told me it'd be hard but he'd support me. Lucas smiled too, but I could tell he was thinking a little too hard. Farkle started to list off all the goodness that could happen for me from this. I ask him if he'd ever be a vegetarian. He said no, he loves chicken sandwiches too much. Auggie asked us what it meant to be a vegetarian.

* * *

At the movie theater, Maya buys a Coke to drink and chocolate candy to eat. At the movie theater, I buy a diet Coke. I told her I was full from eating dinner. She believed me.

Before the movie starts I lean over to Maya.

"I'm going to use the bathroom really quick. Okay?" I tell her.

She nods zombie-like, already consumed by the commercial on the big screen. "Stay safe."

"Always," I say all singy-song like.

I stand up from the chair. I run down the movie theater stairs. I make my way to the ladies bathroom.

* * *

I was washing my hands. Making sure to scrub them good, because I don't want to get sick. Especially not now. If I get sick, they'll take me to the doctor. The doctor will run tests, find out what I'm doing, and then it'll be ruined. Ana will run away from fear. She'll leave me in her dust.

"Oh my gosh," A girl said.

I look up in the mirror. I see two girls behind me, blonde and red. They are looking at me. I pretend not to notice.

"Look how skinny she is." The blonde says.

The red nods. "I know. I wish I had her legs."

"I would die for them."

Ana slips beside me. She looks at our reflection. "It's funny since you're dying for your legs too." She laughs.

I turn the water off. I rip a paper towel and dry my hands quickly.

I run to the correct movie theater.

Ana doesn't follow me. Thankfully.

* * *

"Ana, do I have to?" I ask.

We are standing outside of a store. A store that knows my face and that's a problem. Ana, for the past fifteen minutes, has been whispering in my ear that I should get someone else to go get it.

She nods her hands on her hips. "Yes, because of what you said."

I look over at her. "What did I say?"

The people passing us are looking at me like I'm crazy. They can't see who I am speaking to. It's okay tha they think I'm crazy. It's New York. Everyone here is crazy.

"You said that your mother and you go to this store often. So much that they know your face and name. And if you walk in there and buy what you need, they will probably tell your mother. You don't want your mother to know. Do you?"

I shake my head. "Of course, I don't want her to know. She'd ruin everything."

Ana nods. "Then ask someone to go in there and buy the stuff for you."

I take a deep breath. She's right.

I walk up to a man and tap him. He turns around. He looks sweet.

"Hi," I say nicely. "I'm waiting for my friend and she's going to pop up any moment. Can you go inside and get some things for me? I'll give you money to do it."

The man looks me over again and nods. "Sure thing. Anything to help a friend."

I continue to smile back.

"So what do you need?" He asks.

I tell him. "Diuretics, laxatives, and razors."

"That's an odd grocery list." He laughs a little.

I nod. "I know." I hand him the movie. "Here."

He goes inside. He comes out five minutes later. He hands me the plastic bag. I thank him and walk away.

* * *

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	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Ana hasn't spoken to me in a couple days.

I haven't eaten in a couple days.

My brain isn't fuzzy anymore.

I think more clearly than ever.

I don't really get stomach growls anymore.

The headaches are worse and all I do is sit in my room.

Mom may be catching on. Dad's still a little clueless. I don't remember the last time I spoke to Auggie.

Maya, Farkle, and Lucas try to get me to go out with them. I don't. It's not like I don't want to. I'm scared. I haven't left the apartment for weeks.

I'm scared that something will happen. I'm scared I'll fall. I'm scared I'll lose conscious. I'm scared that Maya will be able to see behind the curtain and see that I'm not fine. I'm not fine at all.

Carly hasn't spoken to me either. I wonder if she died.

Maybe she got caught.

She probably did. She wasn't as strong as me.

Then again last we texted we argued a little.

You won't believe it but I made a new friend. This time it's a boy. His name is Sam. He tells me to do stuff. I wasn't sure if I should do it in the beginning. But now I realized why he told me to do those things. It helps. He said this is another secret I need to keep. It's a secret for him and me. Like my secret with Ana.

He tells me to go to the bathroom at night. He tells me to sit on the bathroom floor in my underwear.

I do.

He tells me to take one of the objects that Ana had me buy. He tells me to get as close as I can to my hip.

I do.

He doesn't tell me anything after that. He says I'll know what to do.

I did.

The razor is in my right hand. It's hovering over the skin. My hand doesn't shake anymore. I connect razor and skin. I hold in a breath as I press down. I drag the cold metal across my skin. It stings but that's not even the best part. I pull the razor from my skin when I'm happy with the cut. I watch as blood pours over the lines. I let the breath out.

This is the best part.

I make three more cuts on my thighs.

I lay my head back on the bathroom door. My eyes are closed.

"Riley," Mom.

"Yeah," I say. I don't move. She couldn't get in even if she wanted to.

"Are you packed? And when is Maya getting here?"

"Why would I need to be packed? And why would Maya need to be here?" I ask.

"For the beach," She says. "How could you forget?"

I raise my head quickly. The beach.

"Oh, silly me!" I say. "I'll call Maya when I get out."

"Okay, honey." I hear her walk away.

"_Clean up before you leave."_ Sam says.

I nod. "I know."

* * *

"I'm 96.5 pounds now." I say.

Ana has finally come back. She is sitting on the window seat in my room.

She smiles at me. "_Congratulations. You are so close to your goal!_"

I shake my head. "I don't want 95 anymore. That's too high."

Ana's smile grows. "_Really? What do you want now?_"

"90," I say smiling at her.

"_Oh,_" She says. "_Wonderful!_" She stands up and begins walk closer to me. "_Well we are going to have to work harder than ever!_"

I nod.

"_So you are going to the beach tomorrow?_" Ana asks.

I nod again.

"_Restricting is going to be harder then since you'll be around more people._"

I shrug. "I'll make it work."

I hear the buzzer from my room. Maya is here. I stand up and walk to the door. I buzz her in.

I go and sit on the couch. About thirty seconds later Maya enters through the door. She's smiling and her bag in trailing after her.

"Hey, girl!" She says. She drops her bag on the floor next to Auggie's, Dad's, and Mom's. I still need to pack. She hops on the couch. "We're going to the beach!" She grabs my arm and squeezes it.

If anyone looked at her they could tell she was wildly excited.

I smile back. "I know, it's crazy!"

"So do you think by the end of the week Lucas will have fallen in love with you?" Maya asks.

I laugh. "That'd be pretty weird since, of course, I'm not in love with him. I only have a crush on him."

Maya rolls her eyes. "Whatever, girl."

I grab the remote to the TV and press the 'on' button. A cartoon show was on. I decide to leave it on.

"Where are your parents and Auggie?" Maya asks. "I'd think Auggie would be running around like crazy."

"Dad and Auggie are going to get Auggie a new float wings. He accidently poked holes in the ones he already had. Mom is out getting us food. She didn't want to cook the night before we left."

Maya nods. "Cool beans," She looks over at the pile of suitcases. "Where is yours?"

"Oh," I say. "Yeah, I haven't packed yet."

Maya looks at me. Her eyes wide. "What?!" She stands up, grabs my arms, and starts pulling me towards my bedroom. "We need to go get you packed. Now!"

I get up and let her drag me the rest of the way. "Fine."

* * *

Dad is driving. Mom is asleep in the passenger seat. Auggie has his own bench seat, he is asleep too. Maya and I share a bench seat. She's asleep. The very back bench seat has all of our bags on it.

I have my blanket on my body. Dad has turned on the air conditioning because he thinks all of us are hot. It's true everyone is hot. But cold air is freezing my already frozen skin.

I've been trying to sleep for the past twenty minutes.

Carly still hasn't texted me. I wonder if I said something wrong. Last time we spoke she said that she failed at going through with our deal. We were supposed to stay vegetarians together. She did that for a few days. Then she thought of the idea of us going on a fast. She didn't even last one day. I texted something rude and about how did she want to be fat. She hasn't responded. I try and text her now.

Me: "I'm sorry, Carly. Can you forgive me and be my Ana buddy again?"

Ana hasn't spoken to me since before Maya got to the apartment.

I went to the bathroom to speak to her, but she wasn't there. She's been doing that lately. I don't understand why. Is it because I've been doing bad? I got a full plate of food, vegetables with rice and such. I only ate half over the meal. No one seemed to take notice not even Maya. I checked my weight in the bathroom.

I'm 96.8. I gained two ounces.

* * *

"Maya, your legs are blinding me." I say slipping my sunglasses on my face.

Maya giggles. She buries her feet in the sand. "Well by the end of the day I'll be tan and gorgeous and my freaky pale legs will no longer bother you."

I push her over and giggle. She raises back up, still smiling.

I think this is when I love my best friend the most, when she is completely happy and it seems like nothing could take her down.

"When do you think Farkle and Lucas are going to get here?" She asks. Her sunglasses are already on. She's staring at the ocean.

"Uh, I'll text Farkle and ask him." I say. I pull out my phone from my bag. I send Farkle a text and then put my phone down.

Carly hasn't responded to me either.

"We're here!"

We turn around. Farkle and Lucas were walking towards us. Both were already in their swimming trunks. We wave at them.

Farkle sits beside me. "This is beautiful, isn't it?"

I nod and look back at the ocean. "Breathtaking."

"Ditto," Maya says.

Lucas laughs.

"So what are we doing today?" Farkle says.

I groan and lie down. "Do we have to do something? Can't we just lay here until we are baked like bacon?"

"I agree." Lucas says.

I look over at him. He lies down too.

Then Maya and then Farkle.

"I guess so." Farkle says giving in. "But we are totally doing something tomorrow."

* * *

**Thank you for reading! I absolutely love you guys for sticking with me this far. **

**Please review, favorite and/or follow!**

**Reviews make me happy!**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

It's day two at the beach.

I've got this whole thing down now.

Coffee or tea in the morning for breakfast.

Stay at the pool or beach through lunch.

Eat whatever for dinner. Because I know that Mom would be cooking dinner.

In the middle of the night I sneak out and workout in the provided workout room down stairs. It is open twenty four/seven.

"Riley, are you done putting your bathing suit on?!" Maya asks pounding her fist on the door. "I want to get a good spot in the sun."

"Hold your potatoes, girl!" I yell back at her.

I look at myself in the mirror. I'm in my two piece swim suit, the striped pink and gray.

I know what you are thinking, what about your scars? Aren't people going to notice them?

Well no. They won't.

Ana and Sam gave me a tip. They told me to buy more swim shorts, to wear with the swim suits. It was a perfect idea and it's working.

I slip on the shorts that go over my bottoms. I take another look.

There is still fat on my ribs.

I turn around.

Still fat on my shoulder blades.

Ana grabs my shoulders. "_Just a matter of time before you float._"

I smile at her and nod.

"Dude!" Maya pounds one more time.

I open the door, smiling at her. "I'm ready."

Maya smiles back, nodding. "Okay, let's go. Farkle and Lucas are already down there."

We walk out of our room.

"Mom, Dad, we're going to the pool!" I yell.

"Okay, honey." Mom yells. "We'll be down with Auggie in an hour or so."

"'Kay," I yell back and we are out the door.

* * *

"C'mon, Riley." Lucas yells. "Get in the water."

I don't move. I don't open my eyes.

"No, thanks." I say.

"Really?" He asks. "Are you just going to lay there the whole day?"

I raise up and rest on my arms. I look at him through the sunglasses. "No. I was going to roll over to tan the other side."

He laughs. Suddenly he is pulled under the water.

He and Farkle come back up quickly, splashing water at each other. This causes a couple parents to take their kids to the inside pool.

"I'm going in." Maya says. She stands up and tosses her sunglasses on the chair. "I can't take it."

She runs the rest of the way to the pool. She jumps in. Cannon ball.

"Woo hoo!" Lucas and Farkle applaud her as she resurfaces.

All I could think about was that her hip bones poked through her skin. Her collar bone was extravagate. Rib bones sent ripples through her ocean of skin. She's already a shade darker than yesterday.

I slide my sunglasses off, putting them in the bag I carried down here. I stand up and walk to the edge of the pool.

I could see my shadow lingering over the pool water. It was…tiny?

I look down to make sure my feet are together. They are. I look at the shadow. It seemed as if my thighs were miles apart.

"Riley, stop being weird and jump in." Farkle says.

I put my hands on my hips. "Like you have any room to call me weird."

Farkle just laughs and goes underwater.

I jump in.

* * *

Mine and Maya's hair is still wet. The boys' hair has dried a little. Auggie's is dripping down his face but he's smiling. Mom has her hair in a high ponytail. Dad's is completely dry now.

We're in the van driving to a 'fun place' as my dad said.

Lucas's parents said it was okay that him and Farkle leave with us.

Dad picks parking space close to the building. It's one level and big. I can hear engines running from this side.

We enter.

The place is full of arcade games to play. There's a play for eating.

The woman at the counter explains the inside. She says outside there are multiple race tracks that we can race on.

Maya, Farkle, Lucas, and I can drive ourselves. Auggie can't.

Mom tells us to keep our phones on and to run and go have fun.

We dash to the doors that lead to the race tracks.

* * *

"On your left!" I hear.

I turn my head quickly and watch Lucas pass by me.

"No!" I scream.

I press the gas pedal all the way down. I speed up and catch up to him. I smile and wave as I pass him.

There are a few other people on the track. I don't care about them. I just want to be in front of Lucas, Farkle, and Maya.

Maya is the only person in front of me now. I speed pass three people.

I push harder on the gas pedal, as if it'll go faster. I get my kart up beside her. I inch further and further ahead of her.

I almost got it.

I almo-.

* * *

"Girl, girl,"

Someone is shaking my body. It's a rough hand. I notice there isn't any engines running except for ones that are far away.

I open my eyes. My hand in on the steering wheel, I blink a couple times. I raise my head and look up.

A man in a worker's uniform is staring at me, concerned. "Girl, are you okay?"

I nod. "Yeah, I'm fine."

He bends down, eye level. "Are you sure?"

I nod again. "Yeah, I guess I blacked out."

He nods this time. "Well go ahead and park your kart."

I nod.

He turns the kart on. Before I speed off, he gives me advice.

"Before you drive another kart, eat a little bit."

"What happened back there?" Lucas asks me as I walk towards them.

I shrug. "I lost control of the kart. The steering wheel was weird."

He nods. Believing me.

Farkle starts jumping. "Can we go on that one?" He points to a track.

It had three levels to it.

"You guys can. I'm going to go inside and get something to eat." I say putting my hand on my stomach.

"I'm going with Riley." Maya says.

"Okay, see you guys!" Lucas yells.

Him and Farkle run to the track.

"C'mon, girl!" Maya says skipping to the entrance. "Let's go get grub."

* * *

We're back at the condo.

Auggie is carrying the many stuffed animals he won. Dad is holding many others too.

"Auggie, why didn't you stop at a reasonable number?" Mom asked. "Like five."

Auggie looks at Mom. "That's silly. Why would I want less stuffed animals?"

Mom smiled and rolled her eyes.

Maya and I shuffle into our room. We are both too tired to do anything. After racing a couple more times, we ran around the arcade winning as many games as we could.

After we changed into our pajamas we exited our room.

"Mom, Maya and I are going to sit on the beach for a while. Okay?"

"Okay." She glances at her phone to look at the time. "It's 9:45 pm though."

"The sea is its most calming at night, Mother." I say.

She nods. "Okay. Stay safe. Don't talk to strangers."

"Yes, ma'am," Maya says.

* * *

The ocean water comes up enough to touch our feet and go back slowly. Our hair flying in the ocean breeze. I think I've closed my eyes and let myself listen to the ocean's sounds.

"Riley," Maya says.

I open my eyes. I realize how dark it is out here. We can still see pretty much everything, thanks to the lights from the million condo buildings lining the shore.

"Yeah,"

"Today," She says. "At the race track, you passed out."

I don't say anything. I know where this is going. I saw this coming. She was eyeballing me eat. I let out a breath.

"I know."

"You said before, when this happened, you weren't starving yourself." She says.

"Yeah,"

"Then what's going on?"

I shrug. "I don't know."

"Do you think it could be something with your blood? Anemia?"

I shrug again. "Maya, I don't know."

"Do your parents know?"

I shake my head. "It doesn't happen that often for them to know."

"Why haven't you told them?"

"It hasn't scared me enough for me to tell them."

She doesn't respond.

I'm not going to the gym tonight. She'll catch me.

Ana is going to yell at me.

But maybe she won't.

She hasn't been around lately.

It's only Sam.

Sam keeps telling me to put metal in my body and let the blood run.

I do as he says.

Since we got to the beach, I've added more cuts.

I want him to go away. I don't like his way of things anymore. I need Ana.

* * *

**I am deeply sorry for not posting a chapter in forever. I am so very sorry.**

**Please enjoy this chapter. I hope you lovely people like it.**

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**Thanks for reading!**


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

Riley's POV

I've slipped. I've slipped terribly. I've slipped down the slope and I can't get back up. I've slipped.

Ana hasn't been back. She's never going to come back. I need Ana to come back. Ana keeps me sane.

It's been a week since we've gotten back from the beach.

And I've slipped.

I haven't stepped on the scale in two weeks. I'm scared. I'm terrified.

I've slipped terribly.

I'm in the bathroom.

Maya, Lucas, and Farkle are in the living room.

I thought it'd be a good idea to weigh myself while they were here. So I would have to act normal. So I would have a reason to not go completely crazy when I see the number.

I slip my clothes off and step on the scale.

I see the number. I step off the scale. I slip my clothes back on.

97.3 pounds

Ninetysevenandthreeounces

I scream.

I scream and hit the mirror. The glass shatters.

I scream, hit the mirror, the glass shatters. I beat my hands and arms against the wall.

I still scream.

All of the work, all of the starving and secrets, headaches, hair falling out, heavy eyes, crying, and this happens.

My screaming turns to crying and the decision is made.

I shouldn't but I need to. I don't know what else to do.

I take my box of pads, that I haven't used in a month, and open it. I take the razor blades out and the magic pills that made my headaches disappear. I put the box back.

The crying doesn't stop.

I open the bottle and pour half into my hand. I know I can't dry swallow. I put my head under the faucet twice so I can take both handfuls.

I sit on the floor and lean against the bathtub.

My crying is still loud and I'll randomly hit the bathtub.

I take the razor.

My hand is shaky, shaky, shaky.

It hurts. It hurts so much. But I do it.

I rip my skin open repeatedly on my arms.

fivecuts sixcuts sevencuts eightcuts

I lost count after fifteen.

The other arm.

I've lost control.

* * *

Maya's POV

"Did Riley just scream?" I ask the boys.

Farkle mutes the TV. We listen closely.

There's more screaming and it sounds like something is hitting the wall.

I run to the bathroom, thinking a murderer has made his way through the apartment.

I try opening it and, of course, it doesn't open.

I knock on the door. "Riley, what's going on in there?"

"Go away!" She screams. She's clearly crying.

My best friend is crying and I can't get to her.

"Riley, c'mon. Let me in. Tell me why you're crying."

"Go! Please go away!" Her crying is becoming worse.

"We need to get in there." Lucas says.

I didn't notice him come up behind me.

"How do we get in if she won't let us?" I ask him.

"Mr. and Mrs. Matthews are going to hate me after this." Lucas says. "Step back."

I do.

He backs up and then kicks the door down, like a cop.

I walk in the bathroom.

"Riley!"

I fall down next to her.

Blood covers both her arms, her legs. It soaked through her pants.

"Riley, why would you do this?"

Lucas is beside her too. Putting pressure on the cuts.

Self-inflicted

She tries yanking away from Lucas.

"Leave me alone!" She screams. "I wanna die! I wanna die! Please let me die!" She cries.

"Riley, no." Now I'm crying. "Farkle, call 911!"

He runs to get his phone.

I look at Lucas. He isn't saying anything. He's just staring at her. Trying to stop the bleeding. He can't though. There's too much.

I notice my shirt is wet. I look down. Her blood is on me. I'm holding her hand.

"Ana left me! I'm 97!"

"Shh, no. Please calm down. Everything is going to be fine."

"No, Maya! It's not fine!" She screams and then her head falls back.

She goes limp.

"Riley," I say. "Riley," I shake her body. "Riley! Riley, wake up!"

"She took the bottle."

"What?" I look up at Lucas.

In his hand is a bottle, probably previously full of pills.

"We need to make her vomit." Lucas says.

We both lift her up. Pull her over the bathtub. Without words, we decide I'm going to do it.

I hold her hair back. Her mouth is already hanging. I stick my fingers down her throat. She vomits. It gets on her and me. Without me helping, she vomits again. The bathtub is full of pretty pink pills.

"Mmm," Comes out of her. "Ana…come back."

"Who the hell is Ana?" Lucas asks.

"Anorexia,"

* * *

**Thanks for reading!**

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**More will come. **


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

Riley's POV

When I get out of the hospital, I get to go home.

I thought I was going to the mental asylum. They asked me why I kept mumbling things about a girl named Ana. They ask who she was. I shook my head and said I didn't know.

Back at home, Mom tries to have a heart to heart conversation with me. I couldn't do it.

I ended up standing up and walking away from her.

Yeah, I know I hurt her. I get that. But if I actually said why I did this she wouldn't believe me. No one will believe. I probably wouldn't believe someone if they told me this.

Now I'm sitting in my room. It's summer and I'm wearing a long sleeved shirt and a regular tshirt over it. I have to wear this because I'm cold and Mom will not turn the air conditioning off and the cuts are starting to haunt me.

Thinking about it, yes I probably did over react. I shouldn't have done something like that with Maya, Lucas, and Farkle in the living room. I'm just thankful that Auggie wasn't here.

Since getting out the hospital, Maya, Lucas, and Farkle haven't tried contacting me. I have tried contacting them either. I want to talk to them though. I want to go to the movies. I want hang out at the park. I want to skip the part where I have to explain myself to them. I don't want to. But they want answers. I have them but I refuse to say them. They deserve answers. I don't deserve them as friends.

* * *

Maya was the first person to reach out to me.

It's been a week since the hospital.

She contacts me through text.

Maya: Hey

Riley: Hey

Maya: Are you busy?

Riley: No.

Maya: Can I come over? I think we need to talk.

Riley: Sure.

* * *

We're sitting in my bedroom. When she first walked in, she took immediate notice of my long sleeved shirt. She also noticed when I shivered.

Maya sits at the foot of the bed. I sit at the head. We both have our legs crossed. We are turned to each other.

"So how have you been?" Maya asks me.

I nod. "Good. What about you?"

"Good,"

This.

This is the part that I wanted to skip. I don't want the awkward silences. The too few worded sentences.

"I'm sorry."

"What?"

"I'm sorry."

Maya looks up at me. "Why are you sorry?"

I look at her. And I think I might begin to cry. "I'm sorry for putting you through that. I'm sorry that I tried to commit suicide while you were at my house. I'm sorry you had to witness me with cuts all over my arms that I created. I'm sorry that you had to stick your finger down my throat and force me to vomit."

Maya smiles, "I accept your apologies."

"But I also thank you. I thank you for coming to my house today. I thank you for forcing me to be alive when I didn't want to be. I thank you for not leaving me because I caused you to see terrible things. I thank you for still loving me when I'm a sick monster."

Tears are rolling down her face. "Riley, I'm going to love you until the end of time." She grabs my hand, still smiling. "And you're not a sick monster. You're just a confused person."

I smile at her.

I reach over and pull her into a hug.

"I love you too."

* * *

"Riley," Audrey says my name.

I look up from the blanket that I was wrapped in. "Yes,"

I realized after two months of coming to Audrey's room, I like it. It's small, pretty, and adorable. She has the coolest looking knick knacks. There are a few owl clocks, none of them have the right time. There are a couple pencil holders, some look like trees, others look like elephants.

"Let's talk about Ana and Sam today. Okay?" She says. Her face is hopeful.

It's not like I don't want to talk about Ana. It's just that I don't think Audrey will understand how tight of a hold Ana had on me. Sam, he is just another thing all together.

I lean up a little. "You won't judge me, right? You won't tell anyone."

Audrey smiles, "I'll only tell others what you want me to."

I nod and lean back against the couch. "I think I uh," I stop. This is harder than I expected. "You see, I believe…"

"Riley, it's okay." She says. "Take your time."

I continue to look at her. She smiles at me. The pen she's writing with is pressed to the pad, she's ready to write whatever I say. I think I trust her.

"I believe Ana brainwashed me."

Audrey nods. She writes words down. "You believe Ana brainwashed you."

I nod.

"Would you care to explain why you think that?"

I nod again. "You see, normally I would never even think about starving myself to lose weight. I was at a normal weight anyway. I wouldn't cut my body either for punishment. Sam was controlling my thoughts. And when I'd slip, or not do something Ana told me, he made me believe it was terrible. He made me believe cutting would somehow make everything better."

"Riley," Audrey's face seemed to have fallen. "You do understand that Sam and Ana weren't real. They weren't there with you. It was you actually, just talking to yourself."

"I'm confused." I shake my head. "If Ana was really just me then how did she tell me stuff I didn't know?"

"You probably read it somewhere. And when you were stuck you would remembered but instead of you thinking it, Ana just said it." Audrey says. Her eyes seem kind.

"I'm not crazy though. I can't just make up people in my head and believe I'm speaking to them."

She shakes her head. "This does not mean you are crazy, Riley."

"Then what does it mean?"

"You were already starving yourself a bit before Ana came. Right?" She asks.

"Yeah for about a week,"

Audrey nods, writing that down. "This shows what the starving was doing to you. It was making you loopy. You were probably talking to yourself way more than normal. Yes?"

I nod.

"And you thought you were crazy."

I nod again.

"To make yourself seem not crazy, your conscious made a person up for you to speak to you. So you, yourself, wouldn't think you were just alone."

"What…what about Sam?" I ask. I begin playing with the end of the blanket, not making eye contact.

"Sam popped up when things were getting really bad. Right, Riley?"

I nod.

"Your body was starvation mode. Your brain cells were screaming for food, screaming to be released from the pain you were causing yourself. Your mind made Sam up to help you so what was going on."

I don't speak. I can't speak.

* * *

Thankfully when I see Farkle and Lucas for the first time again, they don't say anything. They act like it hasn't been two weeks since they last saw me. They act like I'm just regular Riley and I want to thank them and stay with them until I feel normal.

Farkle did hug me though.

I walk into the arcade we said we'd meet at. He ran across the room and hugged me. I hugged him back with equal force. A huge weight lifted from my chest. My eyes started to tear up.

Lucas smiles at me and suggests with play a game.

* * *

After playing a lot of games and such, we sit at a table.

We order food to eat. And begin talking. We talk about what's it's going to be like when we enter high school. We talk about how the classes will get a lot harder and how the teachers will be more scarier than ever. We promise that we'll be friends in high school and that nothing will change that. Even if we have different classes, seemingly different lives. We'll stay together.

Our food gets to the table.

I get chicken nugget, honey mustard, and fries. A Dr. Pepper with it.

Maya: a mini taco pizza, a tiny side salad. A Dr. Pepper too.

Farkle: two slices of pizza. A sweet tea.

Lucas: A burger, a big burger. A Mountain Dew to drink.

We continue to speak.

I didn't want to. I didn't want to at all. I subconsciously count how many chicken nuggets I have.

10 nuggets

"_Eat only 3 and you'll fly_."

No. Ignore it. I can be normal now. I don't need a number to define me.

"_Come on, Riley. You can start fresh again._"

She's not real. She's not speaking to me.

Brain stop this. Stop. I don't need this anymore.

I take a nugget and dip it in the honey mustard. I eat it.

"_Riley stop! You're a fat pig. Why can't you do anything I ask you to do? You're a loser. You'll never reach your goal weight like this. I hate you!_"

I smile at my friends. "Excuse me, I need to use the restroom."

I stand up and walk. I change from walking to fast walking.

I sprint to the bathroom.

* * *

No one is in the bathroom.

I pace back in forth in front of the mirror, running my fingers through my hair.

"_Riley, all you have to do is stop eating again. Then you won't be a loser, boys will like you. And even better, you'll like yourself._"

Tears threaten to fall down my face.

"Stop. Please stop. Just go away." I say.

If I call her by her name, she'll be real again. She'll take over. I don't have enough fight in me to do this. I won't have enough fight to recover.

The bathroom door opens.

"Riley, are you okay?" Maya walks in.

The tears fall freely.

I pull her into a tight hug.

"It won't stop. I thought I was okay. But she won't shut up."

Maya hugs me back. "R-Riley, it's okay. You're trying that's all that matters."

She doesn't understand any of this. But it's okay if she doesn't. I wouldn't want her to.

"She's telling me to stop eating. I want to be normal, Maya. I want her to be gone."

Maya pulls back from me.

"Then ignore her until she does. Okay?" She says. "Realize that you're fine. Know that you don't want to slip into that again. Remember how sad you were and how sick you were."

I look at her. I wipe the tears from my face.

"Okay." I nod. "I can do this."

Maya smiles at me. "Good,"

She holds her hand out for me and I grab it. We walk back to the table.

I eat seven nuggets (with honey mustard) and twelve fries. I drink the whole Dr. Pepper.

* * *

I understand that I'm not going to be able to bounce back immediately. This transition with take more time, I will beat this though. I'm going to be fine.

I'm not fine.

But I'll be fine.

I'll finally be fine.

* * *

**Thanks for reading. **

**Please review. **

**This might be the last chapter. I'm still thinking. **

**You guys are so wonderful for reading. It's been amazing. **


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

Riley's POV

School is starting again.

We're freshmen.

I've finally forgot how to count calories.

I've finally forgot that I'm not defined by a number.

I'm defined on what kind of person I am.

Auggie still has no idea what happened.

I bought scar removal. I can see the little it has done for my arms since buying it.

When I don't wear long sleeved shirts, Auggie asks me what happened.

I never tell him. I always find a way to run away before I have to.

I don't want him to know. I don't want him to know ever. I don't want him to know tha this sister is a lunatic that tried to rip herself apart.

Maya has gotten used to the scars.

At first, when I first didn't wear long sleeves, she would secretly stare at them.

Farkle stared at them too.

Lucas didn't. He kept with my eyes the whole time when we were together.

I really wanted to thank him verbally. But I settled with smiling at him like he gave me one million dollars.

Dad still doesn't get it. I don't expect him to either. But he wants to and that's the bad thing.

Mom told me I was brave for going to school with sleeves on my arms.

I thought I was crazy.

* * *

"Maya, I can't." I say.

We're standing in front of the school. The high school, the new school, my new school.

"Why can't you?" She asks smiling at me. She was clearly excited about high school.

"What people look at me weird? There will be other people. People from different middle schools that coming here for high school. What if they judge me?"

"_They'll probably think you're fat._"

I ignore her. I'll ignore her until the end of time.

"There are so many people in there that no one will notice you." Maya says.

"But what about that people that will?"

"Anyway," Maya begins. "Why would any of them judge you? They don't know you."

I stare at her for a time.

She gets it.

"Do you want to use my jacket?" She asks.

"What are you guys doing out here?" Lucas comes up and asks her. "You know, we have school on the inside of this building. Right?"

Farkle is with him.

"Yes, we know, cowboy. It's just that Riley is nervous, really nervous." She's indicating the problem.

Lucas gets it. Farkle gets it.

"Hold my hand." Lucas says holding his hand out.

"What? Why?" I ask him.

"We'll walk in at the same time, literally." He looks at Farkle. "Farkle, hold my hand."

He does. I grab Lucas's hand smiling at him. Maya grabs my hand.

"Okay, here we go." I say.

I can feel my heart race, race, race, as we step closer to the doors.

We open the doors. We're walking through.

I'm taking deep breathes. In and out. In and out.

I can feel myself begin to shake. Lucas's grip on my hand tightens and I return the grip.

Some students look at us when we walk in. Some don't care. Some whisper and stare. Some just stare and stare and stare.

I catch a girl staring at my arms. I smile at her and she smiles at me.

I believe I'm okay.

* * *

**This is the final chapter.**

**Thank you so very much for reading. I love each and every one of you for sticking with this story even though it probably sucked. Ha ha.**

**Again thanks for reading. It's been fun. **


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